We all know one of these sweetheart girls. She deserves the best boyfriend to treat her like a princess, but most of the time this Snow White passes on princes and gets stuck with the worst kinds of dwarves. Every single member of her parade of boyfriends (Moody, Shouty, Cheaty, Petty, Sketchy, Moochy and Resentful) has disappointed her but she never sees any of the red flags along the way. Let’s go through some of the warning signs so that you don’t get stuck with the same kind of deadbeat.
Moody: Wait, what? He’s mad because he thought that you didn’t care enough to tell him that you got a car wash? You guys were having a nice night and then all of a sudden he’s so upset that he doesn’t even want to finish Gnomeo & Juliet. It was just getting to the good part. If you only need one hand to count the differences between your boyfriend and a fussy baby, you should think about shopping around.
Cheaty: This guy will explain that he only ended up in a girl’s bed after that party because Kelso peed on the couch with the good cushions and where else was he supposed to sleep? If this kind of thing upsets you, trust your gut when you get suspicious of this guy’s wandering eyes.
Shouty: You’ll be the girl on the arm of the guy going loudly apeshit when normal life things happen. Your most frequent activities will include, but will not be limited to, cleaning up broken glass and apologizing to the neighbors when his favorite soccer team wins. Or loses. Or ties. He has a jealous streak too, and he will light your mailbox on fire if you fail to mention that it was a male friend who gave you and your friends a ride to the concert last night. He’ll then blame it on being like, so passionate or so in love with you that he couldn’t control his emotions. This is not adorable. You will forever be the only responsible adult in the couple.
Petty: This guy is a manipulator, but he is far from a master of his craft. If you drink one of his sodas without asking, he will commit an equivalent crime to teach you a lesson, like dumping all of your mouthwash down the drain (no, you read that right, it just doesn’t make sense). He’ll insist that it was about respect, but it wasn’t. It was about soda.
Sketchy: So your boyfriend wants to stay at your house (read: hide out at your house) because he sold this guy on craigslist a bunch of stereo equipment that he found on the docks and now the guy’s mad because it doesn’t work but it’s not your boyfriend’s fault that his cousin Tony didn’t tell him that the basement flooded and ruined everything… if you ever find yourself explaining something like this to a friend, redirect your mouth at your phone, call your boyfriend and break up with him or you will forever be trapped in his sketchy web.
Moochy: Last month, he said that a dog that “came out of nowhere” and “totally ganked his bus pass” so you gave him money for a new one. This month, he needs a ride because he accidentally put his new bus pass in the mail and got banned from the bus when he tried to pay the driver with his subscription renewal request card to Butt Play Monthly. He can’t pay for anything himself because he’s trying to get his incredibly well-planned business off the ground.
Resentful: Now that you’re dating this guy, it’s completely your fault if he wants something but he can’t have it. If he left his keytar in the back of your car, it’s your fault that he was late to the gig for his band (“Metally Keytarded”). He’ll resent you if he has to change his groovy lifestyle even though his doctor also told him that it’s inappropriate for a 30 year old man to eat cheez-its for breakfast. You’re holding him back, you ruined his dreams and you don’t support his frolf team like you mean it.