A Guide for When He’s Not as Into it
Look ladies, I know this isn’t the most talked-about subject. We have a preconceived notion that men must be the aggressive ones, while women are supposed to stay coy. But people aren’t sitcom characters, and it may be that you’re looking for more than your man is. It’s okay, it happens. But instead of bottling it up, or resorting to drastic measures, consider these tips:
- Evaluate your expectations: On a weekly basis, what are we talking here? You’re getting laid once when you’d rather it was three times? Three when you want five? Or has it become a rare occurrence, if ever? If you’re in the first two categories, you may be dealing with just a lower sex drive. If you are in the latter, it may be a larger problem.
- The #1 rule: Don’t guilt-trip or fight. Don’t make him feel like less of a man. Don’t say “But you’re a guy, you should want it all the time!” Remember that no one, even in a committed relationship, is obligated to have sex. It should be their choice. Also, fighting about it is going to be incredibly counterproductive. An angry, resentful woman is probably not going to induce sexy-feelings in a man. So, just like you wouldn’t want to be coerced or manipulated into sex by your man, don’t try and do the same to him.
- Consider when you’re approaching him: When it’s 11:30 and he’s crashing in bed after a long day, half-asleep already, and you turn to him and say, “Hey, you wanna do a strenuous physical activity?” The answer might be no more often than you’d like. Maybe a better time would be when he gets home from work (stress reliever), or at lunch time (extra-fun break) or in the morning (guaranteed good day). Find a time that’s more compatible for the both of you.
- Consider how you’re approaching him: Men enjoy being seduced. Are you coming at him in your sweats every night, looking over at him from across the couch, saying “Hey, want sex?” You might need to step up your game. You don’t have to go into a full-on striptease every time, but wear that shirt he really likes on you or give seductive glances throughout the night. If you want some more tips on seduction, check out this ND article.
- Invest in electronics: Look, if you’re both having sex regularly, and he’s happy, and you’re aware that he’s trying to keep up, but you want just that little extra something, welcome to the wonderful world of devices. There is nothing wrong with enlisting a little helper to give you that extra oomph you need. Just mention it to him before breaking it out in your bedroom.
- If it becomes a real problem: Talk about it. There may be something larger going on, whether in your relationship, or with either one of you. Stay calm and productive. Tell him that although you understand that sex is not obligatory, and not the most important part of a relationship, it’s still important. Maybe come up with a number that you can both commit to per week and work towards achieving it. Do you think the problem might be more medical? Here is some information on erectile dysfunction if you need to address it (again, calmly and productively!). Do you think there might be an underlying issue in the relationship? Maybe work on that part before demanding physical affection. Is he stressed out, or going through an emotionally difficult time? Be there for him and be patient. It may be that when he’s feeling more like himself, his sex drive will come back.
It can be frustrating, but there are two people in a relationship, and you have to be respectful of both your needs. Just be understanding and supportive, and work together. Hopefully you’ll get your collective groove back soon enough. Any questions? Post them in the comments!